Britain really has got so much talent!

Topic created by KofH
on Tue, 27 May 2014 at 07:32

KofH said on Tue, 27 May 2014 at 07:32...

Amazing! Lets look at a few from Monday's brewhouse of top "talent"

American blue puppet thing that sings
American dude with tats who sits under a sheet
Brazilian(?) bloke who can't sing
Barbers quartet with mouthy rugby guy and one that cries
1970 style Butlins impersonator
Couple of kids jumping through hoops
Beardy crooner who loves his mum etc
"Hair Bear" crooner in a smock
Barn dance emsemble from a village fete

Who won? Collabro, not a new brand of mouthwash but equally difficult to swallow. Here is there carefully scripted media bs for the lads:

"They're so named because they're a collaboration and 'like brothers' which is really quite obvious when you think about it. The lads also love to refer to themselves as 'the zoo' and have each adopted an animal roar.
Jamie is the giraffe, Matt a bush monkey, Richard a seal, Thomas a baby lion (awww) and Michael the peacock."

You couldn't make it up? Well someone did!

Anonymous said on Tue, 27 May 2014 at 10:30...

Bitter old #$%@ gets booted from one site...finds another to slag off tv show...move along nothing to see here :-(

Five-O said on Tue, 27 May 2014 at 13:30...

So, you still watch tv, eh?!

KofH said on Tue, 27 May 2014 at 20:21...

I tried Dostoevsky (and knitting my own yoghurt) but was drawn back by the allure of glamor (Amanda Holden and Alesha Dixon) I can't help it...pray for me, Fivey

KofH said on Wed, 28 May 2014 at 07:41...

Q: What have the fans of Simon Cowell's "Christmas Cash Cow Collabro" got in common with Vidkun Quisling?

I liked the line from those motorcycle maniacs Bolddog: they want to make their parents proud....as they get scraped from the tarmac? Seriously, how can they promote this kind of spectacle and keep going on about how risking death and serious injury is in some way to be seen as a good thing?

The singer from Essex was bloody good and so was that weirdo dance act. David Walliams is getting on my nerves.

equestrian mistress said on Wed, 28 May 2014 at 09:53...

Darcy Oake is Canadian

Five-O said on Wed, 28 May 2014 at 10:42...

Getting scraped off of the road seems to be somewhat stylier and more glorious than being found hanging in the wardrobe with your schwanzstucker in your hand. Although, scratch the 'stylier' and, come to think of it, 'glorious' as well.
Going out with a jizz must be pretty awesome.

C
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PJ said on Wed, 28 May 2014 at 14:27...

What about Evil Kneivel? If you watch Dracy Oakes carefully you can perhaps see how he did it :-) If Paul and Debbie had done that trick then they would have to get their coats. Everyone wanted to Dracy in the buff,without clothes or coat, hence the votes.

The use of the term collaborators is odd, but most people are not going to think "like OMG that is like so Marshall Petain!" hee hee. You might, but then you are a looney.

Anonymous said on Wed, 28 May 2014 at 22:13...

what a load of boring shyte...i mean u guys no idea what this about!

Anonymous said on Thu, 29 May 2014 at 12:00...

but to be honest... neither do i!

Flying Tonight said on Fri, 30 May 2014 at 12:33...

How totally uninteresting! Did you know airlines are thinking of scraping reclining seats! The end for those selfish dickwads who like to relax in economy and cause aggro for the row behind. They are usually lard arses as well, put the prices up is what I say.

Doors to manual.

ForumPolice said on Fri, 30 May 2014 at 20:51...

No poppers subject, no posting.

You have been warned.

Ma No2 said on Sat, 31 May 2014 at 11:02...

Oh yes? Someone is suffering from delusions of grandeur. Do you like dressing up and playing with your truncheon?

Philo said on Thu, 5 Jun 2014 at 09:48...

I have a rather nice truncheon, too. Love to play with it every once in a while.

Booby Chariot said on Thu, 5 Jun 2014 at 11:38...

1970 style Butlins impersonator THE CLEGG MESITER! lol...he's the wild flower that has been picked. The Chinese guy was much funnier in a kinda Spike Milligan way and that kinda comedie is not easy. get the tinnies in boys and shout at telly you got hours of adverts to watch and fill up Eric's trust fund. welcome to post-Thatcher Britain and its soggy grey pre-heated helpings of "culture"

Bring back Alexei Sayle! Bring back hanging! Bring back a bottle of vodka...you'll need it if you watch this bollox.

KofH said on Sun, 8 Jun 2014 at 15:00...

KERCHING!!! ERIC TRUST FUND up 10 points....FEISTY OLD BIRD FROM SPAIN...null point. the "one that cries" did cry..all the way to the bank (the same one Simon Cowell uses) A great night for shattered dreams..cry, cry me a river... of dollar bills. Only hope that they will be like Creme Brulee from The League of Gentlemen, all bitter and burnt, in a few years. Clegg was wise enough to acknowledge the Chinese comedian in his act, he did OK IMHO>

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Millicent said on Wed, 2 Sep 2015 at 17:49...

I have just heard that Anne Widdecombe will be co-starring with Basil Brush at Theatre Royal Windsor in pantomime this coming season. I hope this information is useful for you in planning your Yuletide festivities.

Pressed Pork said on Tue, 12 Jan 2016 at 18:53...

Dermot O' Leary says X Factor should rest for a year..in what some see a sleight against Simon Cowell. Mr O' Leary should bear in mind that Mr Cowell is a rich man and is therefore a very desirable person to be friendly with. In life rich people are the ones you should cock your hat at.The rich can buy you stuff like handbags and family size buckets of KFC. It is also a good idea to share their point of view, so if they like Fauvism, you like it as well. This is good advice, remember it.

PS. Anne Widdecombe would make a great judge on X Factor and they should ditch that fat kid, Olly Whatshisface. Nick Grimsahw can stay but should be relegated to a role like Cyril Fletcher on That's Life...occasional titters is what he is about. It is getting tiresome watching the decade long nervous breakdown that is Cheryl Cole, give the lass a rest like those old donkeys in Wales.

Travel in Wales 2016 said on Wed, 20 Jan 2016 at 13:33...

The Cheryl Fernandez-Versini Home for Retired Donkeys can be found near Rhyl. People traveling on the A55 may like to consider a detour. At this venue you will find the following attractions:

life size mannequins of Cheryl and Sophie Amogbokpa (a nightclub toilet attendant) in a Tableau vivant.

attractive priced beverages (tea, coffee, milk, vodka)

old donkeys

150 plus feral cats - a cat safari is offered with guide and protective clothing.

Postcards and souvenir key rings are also available to purchase.

Miss Tibbs said on Fri, 5 Feb 2016 at 08:52...

I was interested to read that John Cleese is currently for sale on ebay. Following the recreation of the famous "car whipping scene" for deep pocketed Specsavers many see this as a natural progression for the exotic relic. It is rumored that Cleese will appear in a series of ads for lender Quid In My Wallet featuring Basil deciding to take out a high interest loan to pay for Mr O' Riley to mend the boiler, to treat Sybil to an anniversary dinner with friends etcetra.

Money Sachs said on Thu, 18 Feb 2016 at 12:41...

"Cleese said he was planning a stage show of the comedy series that will premiere in Australia, resulting in his intention to cast the hotel’s characters like Basil, Manuel and Polly from Australia actors."

I hear there maybe a blockbuster Chinese movie in the offing too! and even a new series based in Qatar sponsored by the Qatari riyal.

The Investment Guru said on Tue, 23 Feb 2016 at 22:01...

I am not sure why he is on ebay! I bough fractional ownership of John Cleese when he floated himself. His yields are crap! mostly stuff about how the Goold Old Days was great comedy! My idea of a good evening does not involve Danny la Rue and Richard Stilgoe!

I am willing to barter my share for a micro-slice of Barry Cryer, he shits pure gold.

Travel in Wales 2016 said on Mon, 29 Feb 2016 at 19:32...

The Cheryl Fernandez-Versini Home for Retired Donkeys is changing! From March 1st the home will be called The Cheryl Tweedy-Cole Home for Retired Donkeys. To celebrate we have added a new toilet block (netty) for our discerning clientele.

Sancerre Lovey said on Wed, 2 Mar 2016 at 19:14...

Hello, I am an embittered aging actor who appeared a couple of times on the hit show Eldorado (1992-1993) My character (Senor Castoroil) was much loved...then the show as axed! I can only say that I hate the BBC and everyone who works there. I have written to the BBC many times suggesting Senor Castoroil have his own show, no reply! I hope to join Jeremy Clarkson and the others on that internet whatsit, screw you BBC!

Viewers may also remember me from Rainbow where I played Zippo ( Zippy's cousin) and I was "memorable" (St Leonard's Advertiser) as Mr Pinchwife in 1987.

Celebrity Trader said on Fri, 18 Mar 2016 at 17:44...

I have been trading John Cleese Futures for some years now. I shorted him after he called Daniel Craig a “little Welsh bandy-legged guy”. I think he was very angry that his naff performances did not win him a long-term money spinner on the Bond franchise.Trading John Cleese is not for the fainted hearted! Another high-risk lovey with melodramatic swings (me, me, me) is Stephen Fry, like Cleese he is a condescending pack of crap with little core value. For long term growth stick with Stewart Lee, small trading volume but will stand the test of time. Stewart Lee is a hold. Cleese is in long-term free fall with occasional up swings based on past promise (FT and Python).

tickertape said on Mon, 21 Mar 2016 at 16:32...

Alexei Sayle is a co-operative, which is a shame as I always fancied a piece of him in my portfolio/ @CT: Cleese was maybe unhappy that the great un-washed did not find him endearingly eccentric, as opposed to crap, alongside Brosnan. I liked him in The Great Muppet Caper, more his cup of tea methinks. Cleese has a very small part. Neville a middle-aged British homeowner...Kermit, Gonzo and Fozzie are reporters who travel to Britain to interview a rich victim of jewel thieves and help her along with her secretary, Miss Piggy. Great family viewing for a wet weekend!

Bain Marie said on Tue, 22 Mar 2016 at 14:59...

There are a lot of nasty remarks here. On a brighter note: obese bald slob Tom Kerridge, 42, has lost a lot of weight (8 stone) This is great news for him. Next step may be to buy a wig, find an elocution teacher, and learn to read and write. We wish him well. I really think that people who use conceits to spit poison about obscure celebs should stop. Think positive, be positive. Congratulations to Tom

Prince of Mince said on Fri, 25 Mar 2016 at 09:42...

I really feel that comments claiming that Tom looks like Uncle Hester after being locked in a sauna are unnecessary. His views on roast potatoes have added much to this important national debate; part boiled, let dry, do not shake about, and roast in vegetable oil. Tom is awesome, amazing, best ever etc. I am his No.2 fan, the first being himself. Proper ace!

Spatcock This! said on Sun, 27 Mar 2016 at 15:44...

Saturday Kitchen with James Martin is toast :-( The Hairy Bikers would be a good alternative. PS. It is Uncle Fester, not Hester. Tom is wonderful with "pub grub" - I do not think anyone had previously considered wasting their time on such fare, but he did. He seems very pleased with himself for some reason. My wife finds him threatening, although she likes Al Murray.

"If you demand the 'respect' of your customers you are a self-important idiot who has positioned the art of cooking up there with fighting in the trenches or treating the sick."

Chef Luke Mackay

Well said, Luke! Food is really, really important isn't it? No it is not. Are you passionate about food?

Sancerre Lovey said on Thu, 7 Apr 2016 at 09:53...

I recall one summer in the late 60s Sir Peter Ustinov said to me "I asked for ice, where is it?" That was Sir Peter all over...old school you see. They don't make them like that anymore. Maud and I used to do some amazing things with a Baby Belling during our days in rep. I fondly recall the beef stroganoff with boil in the bag rice. I would like to say that Robert Carrier was a great friend, but regrettably he was not; we had just one disagreeable encounter in Fine Fare in the early 1970s.

Thank you.

Miss Havisham said on Mon, 11 Apr 2016 at 15:19...

Lionel Blair News:-

2008: “There’s been some talk about me going into EastEnders as Ronnie and Roxy’s dad and I would love that.

“It would also be great to link up with my great friend Babs Windsor.”

Eastenders commented: “There are no current plans for Lionel to join the show.”

2016: Lionel Blair says he wants to work on Eastenders as a hairdresser at Blades... as he knows the lingo (his father was a barber) Something for the weekend, Sir? I thought they had scripts, but maybe not? Knowing the parlance of the hair stylist would be a great asset then.

Trivia: Lionel had a hissy fit about Bruce Forsyth's birthday party and did not show up. After the ding dong lovely Lionel commented "It upsets me we’re no longer in touch. I introduced him to Sammy Davis Jr.” Lionel often mentions Davis who he performed with in 1961.

Miss Havisham said on Mon, 11 Apr 2016 at 15:34...

More from Lovely Lionel:

"20 years ago we had a house in Marbella, but we sold it after our kids reached 18 because they started to ask if they could go over on their own with friends (21 Dec 2009)"

"About 40 years ago my wife and I had just married and my career was going well, so I decided I could afford a second-hand Ferrari....Then I discovered the seats had been dyed blue and the colour came off on my wife's coat. I sold it within the year for a lot less than I had spent. (ditto)

Paul McCartney (‘I used to dye my hair, too, but I think it’s better natural’), Bond actor Roger Moore (‘How many wives have I known? I’ve only known him since Dorothy’) (11 August 2014 )

"one day at a cricket match organised by Michael Parkinson, a man called him a ‘fairy’ in front of his daughter Lucy, and Lionel punched him. ‘He had to go to hospital!’ (ditto)

"marriage is between a man and a woman" Lionel's view on gay marriage is he "can't bear it"

"I’ll stay in my pyjamas and watch television all day....He loves afternoon movies on TV, game shows, Emmerdale, Coronation Street and EastEnders. Then it’s a quick sedative (diazepam) and bed. ‘It used to be valium"

Lovely Lionel, a national treasure!

cheapy cheep cheep said on Thu, 14 Apr 2016 at 16:09...

You may enjoy this Lionel Blair - Tap & Chat:

"Following a triumphant sell–out at the Edinburgh Fringe 2009, the legendary Lionel Blair appears at The Lowry for the first time. Amidst beautifully choreographed songs such as Me And My Shadow and They Can’t Take That Away From Me, Lionel captivates his audience with spellbinding anecdotes; from tea at Number 10 to personal engagements with Liza Minnelli and his legendary performances with Sammy Davis Jnr. Share in this gem which revisits one of the most colourful showbiz careers of all time."

ooops I just noticed:

"Please note that the entire tour for Lionel Blair has been cancelled. Box Office will contact you if you have booked tickets about a refund."

That is a shame. I wonder what happened? I would have loved to hear about his teatime visit to Downing Street, personal engagements with Liza Minnelli and so forth. What a star! How come he was never given an honour! Same goes for Melvin Hayes. Thank you.

Herman B. Oring said on Wed, 20 Apr 2016 at 14:49...

I did not know that Paul McCartney dyes his hair, I am grateful to Lionel for pointing this out. I am also interested to learn that Lionel himself does not dye his hair. It is extraordinary that this scintillating individual has not been given an honour, prime time chat show, or a statue at Madame Tussauds.

Conchita Cohen said on Mon, 30 May 2016 at 12:15...

'money really can't buy you class can it'. claims someone called Professor Green. I think it is rather peculiar someone like that (who has a misleading christian name) to be making such claims. What if I chose to call my son Baron or something grandiose like that, I am sure he would turn out a right dipstick!

we hope its chips, its chips! said on Mon, 29 Aug 2016 at 15:34...

"dangerous as well as unhealthy" is what posh cake pushing granny Mary Berry calls a deep fat fryer.

Deep fat fryers are not dangerous, as there were loads of chip pan fires in the 1970s. Unhealthy? Well Ms Snooty Pants, promoting cake consumption is not exactly very good news either. We all remember that Billy Bunter got fat eating cream cakes, probably cooked by Berry and her friends, circa 1910.

Deep fat fryers are good for tempura too, so posh people can also enjoy them if they frown on frites.

"I honestly think there shouldn’t be sugared drinks. All my grandchildren drink water all through the day."

She could give them Coke Zero if her grandchildren get aggressive and start smashing up her Royal Doulton, or using penknives on her chintz sofa. Alternatively, she could change her phone number and move to a old folks home.

Golf Caddy said on Mon, 5 Sep 2016 at 10:37...

Mary is a national treasure. You are full of class envy! She comes from a long line of disapproving posh ladies on tv: Fanny Craddock, Barbara Woodhouse, Mary Whitelouse, etc.

Twee Missy said on Tue, 13 Sep 2016 at 08:16...

It seems she is 'orf to Chanel Four! Clarissa Dickson - Wright was proper posh. Mary is more G&T at the golf club Hyacinth Bucket style. You would not see Berry shooting and gutting a brace of pheasants for a bunch of monks in the Outer Hebrides now would you! Didn't she used to sell Tupperware or something like that?

Miss Creant said on Thu, 15 Sep 2016 at 11:32...

No. MB was not involved in Tupperware. She once used to come to people's homes and demonstrate electric cookers (circa 1928).

As for posh or not; well Keith Flloyd was all lar de dah, but he wasn't posh. Keith was likable though; there is something about MB that makes you think she is is secretly in favor of capital punishment, or transportation to the colonies, for people from council estates. A lady who "does not suffer fools gladly" i.e is rude and haughty.

Constipated in Caerphilly said on Thu, 22 Sep 2016 at 15:03...

"Peacocking man-child" is what Paul Hollywood (aka Paul Ava-Rice) has been called. Mary has stayed Beeb side! Good riddance to the scouse git then, horrah for M'Lady Berry. Class will out and Hollywood is deffo NOCD.

Pappa Badmouth said on Wed, 18 Jan 2017 at 08:46...

I tell you what I can't stand - Sherlock. What a load of pretensions self-regarding shit that is. That Cumberboot guy is right up his own arse, and that little elf (Freeman?) thinks he is somethingspecial too. The plots are very dark, pretensions, arty, and all over the place - I suspect the writers come up with ideas at debauched alcoholic revels.

Oh and just when you thought it couldn't be worse - Una Stubbs! That old trout is about hammy as you can get. She always plays herself - an annoying hysterical lovey. Aunt Sally was when she peaked career-wise as a wooden doll.

Lady Oilve Muncher said on Fri, 2 Mar 2018 at 13:12...

Keith Floyd was rude when he was tipsy. He used to create scenes - one famous, and very funny one, on Hong Kong harbor. Berry is condescending to ordinary folk, which is very different. But watch her in "Country House Secrets" fawning over aristocrats, she is almost Dickensian in her obsequious adulation. Ghastly!

Pappa Badmouth said on Fri, 1 Jun 2018 at 07:33...

The comedian Robert White makes the show worth the pain. What a disgrace that this innovative genius is not already on the mainstream media already!

I am voting for the one-legged Welsh trumpet player who was traumatized by the death of his goldfish.