Unfortunate Book Titles

Topic created by PJ
on Thu, 13 Jun 2013 at 15:38

PJ said on Thu, 13 Jun 2013 at 15:38...

Due to the increasing interest in this subject on another thread, I thought I'd start a dedicated one. Please remember that this is only for discussion of this high-minded literary genre. So far I do declare that "Biggles Takes it Rough" is my favourite and An Exploration of Wagner's Ring the most unsavory. Suggestions for summertime reading are most welcome. I intend to compile a list and present it to the oft mentioned librarian.

Thank you for your contributions :-)

DrDax said on Fri, 14 Jun 2013 at 07:08...

Warfare In The Enemy's Rear by Otto Heilbrunn. This is all about guerrilla war: "In his present work he presents the first systematic study of modern warfare in the enemy's rear." It was published in 1963. Otto also collaborated with Brigadier C. Aubrey Dixon on a book about communist guerrillas.

Anonymous said on Fri, 14 Jun 2013 at 13:12...

I always knew those gorillas were pinkos >:-< Thanks to folks like Brigadier Audrey we can stand round the camp fire singing "cum by yah" and not The Internationale.

Ducky said on Wed, 19 Jun 2013 at 18:23...

Medieval Farming Methods by Major R. Sole springs to mind.

PJ said on Thu, 20 Jun 2013 at 18:37...

The Major existed? If not: it is not allowed to make up authors with saucy names (oh...ok it is...but make it clear so people don't spend their lives searching for R.Sole)

Roland said on Fri, 21 Jun 2013 at 08:21...

I found a note on a bus and was wondering what it might mean. It says "life without dick…12.35" I am intrigued to know more about it and if any of you know I would love to hear. I am currently summering on the coast with a maiden aunt who thinks the internet is the gateway to Hell, so I will check in when I can. I must go now as I am about to be taken up the Mendips.

King of All Hobbies said on Sun, 23 Jun 2013 at 19:47...

Most likely a reference to the tele-movie from 1990. According to the digital archive of the Radio Times, one time it was shown was on Men and Motors, May 12th 1995 (which was a Thursday) at 12.35. It may be that the piece of paper had fallen inside the seat (between the back rest and the seat) An obese person sitting on the seat may have recently strained the frame and real eased the document.

It could also be the name of Cardinal Keith O'Connor's proposed autobiography, perhaps discarded by a member of London's literai.

You don't say which bus route you found it on, if you don't provide the background how do you think we can help exactly!

equestrian mistress said on Mon, 24 Jun 2013 at 09:24...

getting weirder than the Pompeii thread....

Captain Dobbin said on Tue, 25 Jun 2013 at 06:15...

The usual derail from the usual suspects! Back to the theme: I would recommend Saki (Hector Hugh Munro) and in particular his 1913 Novel: When William Comes.

No more "urban archeology" gags please - we have heard them all before & is just a repeat of the other one in the clubhouse. Did you know that the guy in the jumpers, Prof Aston, off the tv has passed on.

Solomon said on Tue, 25 Jun 2013 at 17:35...

Caligula's Golden Reign by Capt R. Slicker? 1922 or thereabouts...if my memory serves me well. Mick Aston walked from Time Team because they were dumbing down; quite right too.

PJ said on Wed, 26 Jun 2013 at 10:35...

No surprise that "urban archeology" has appeared here. It is a form of "shaggy dog" story and they were all deleted by the mods elsewhere. They are used to draw you into a pointless story and deliver crude insults...whatever rocks your boat!

Capt R. Slicker is a new one on me ;-) Did he only publish one work?

Roland said on Thu, 27 Jun 2013 at 13:41...

The bus goes through Hackney.

King of All Hobbies said on Fri, 28 Jun 2013 at 14:02...

Hackney. Well, to be honest this doesn't help matters at all. There are many chicken shops around that area, but equally there are quite a few bookworm types like Gilbert and George etc. I suggest that you either pay more attention to your surroundings - did you notice anyone that looked like Sydney Greensleeves for example? OR mind you own business and don't pick up discarded pieces of paper!

equestrian mistress said on Sat, 29 Jun 2013 at 08:30...

Here we again...get the mods in please…he does this on his lunch break to wind up PJ.

PJ said on Tue, 2 Jul 2013 at 07:15...

You derail if you want to, the lady's not noticing.

Roland said on Wed, 10 Jul 2013 at 11:40...

I think it is taken from a cigarette packet and has been rolled up, it smells funny. I pick up a lot of stuff that others throw away (like the wombles) i have a display cabinet for the best stuff. my best piece is an old mattress I found (i was thinking of offering it for sale to Charles Sarci)

King of All Hobbies said on Thu, 11 Jul 2013 at 13:59...

Still Stripping After 25 Years by Eleanor Burns is usually mentioned in these deeply tedious explorations of school yard humor. What has this to do with poppers? Nothing. The discussion of discarded paper is a just satire on this nonsense.

Do you think that Eleanor Burns is trying to attract attention to herself with this double entendre? As Hong Kong Phooey used to say "could be" ditto with PJ and his off the wall wanderings.

Marshall said on Sun, 28 Jul 2013 at 18:58...

You are a nasty piece of work.

Maureen said on Tue, 13 Aug 2013 at 11:41...

I have a friend, a good friend, who lives in Birkenhead. Anyway, he said there was a company of camp solicitors up there on the Mersey. Well, I thought that sounds nice. Not long ago I did myself a mischief in the local park whilst stooping to pick up a discarded handkerchief. It had an embroidered design with little flowers on it and the initials EH.

I intended to place it on a nearby hedge, then, if the owner returned the same way he would see his, or her, lost item. Anyway, as I was bending down, well, I heard an awful crack. oooooh! my back hurt! I hobbled over to a bench and sat myself down, all of a fluster. At that very moment an old woman turned up and picked up the handkerchief. Excuse me!"
I said, "does that belong to you, Madam! "Yes love" she replied, "I must have dropped it when I was fumbling about for my Murray mints"

"What is your name?"I barked. Edna Hollyhead she replied. Well that is either a case of quick thinking on the part of an accomplished snatcher of personal items, or it is hers. "I'll be needing your address" I answered, "you are complicit in a personal injury through negligence, and, as they say on the television, sorry is not enough" The old bag started to shuffle off, like a hit and run driver, I tried to get up but my back was still aching bait so I sat down.

Cuffs said on Thu, 15 Aug 2013 at 17:13...

An interesting tale of a lost handkerchief....not. Did Charles Sarci (sic) buy the old mattress?

Maureen said on Fri, 16 Aug 2013 at 17:56...

Mr Burton was an able lawyer, and I was too tired to start commuting up to Birkenhead to file a claim against Edna Hollyhead. Mrs Hollyhead lived in Hunstanton anyway, she had been visiting her daughter who actually lives in Rill. Judy Bathgate-Ford is her name, and she's no better than she should be neither. Her husband is Clive Bathgate-Ford and, so they say down the library, he is in the double glazing game.

Singh 4ya Supper take away meals delivered to your home by Mr Singh's son, Ranjeet. Lamb biriwhatsit, and lamb roger gosh. Tasty and pleasant.

As for old mattresses my cousin in Hartlepool used to burn them in the garden in summer - he liked annoying the neighbours.

PJ said on Mon, 19 Aug 2013 at 19:36...

Marginally more amusing than the urban archeology! So didn't you think of selling any of your old mattresses to Brian Sewell, or similar cognoscenti of modern art? If Tracey Emin was anywhere near one of those beds then you could be onto a winner!

Maureen said on Fri, 23 Aug 2013 at 12:51...

Hello love :-) do pop round for a cup of tea when you can and I'll read your tea bags for a tenner.

One of those beds had big swirly yellow patterns on it; like a Van Gog it was, it belonged to my aunty Queenie. We were never sure whether they was from her leaking pipes or what. Now she got married to a bloke after the war who said he was a pearly king, he wasn't as it turned out. He liked dressing up in sequins and stuff and then one day Quennie, bless her heart, returned early from the arcades and well...we needn't go into that. Last time I heard, Bert his name was, he was plying a good trade round the docks but that was in the early 60s.

PJ said on Sun, 25 Aug 2013 at 19:46...

I am sorry to hear about Queenie and her leaking pipes. At least Bert found his niche in life! I have never had my tea bags read as I prefer it loose, Maureen.

Maureen said on Tue, 27 Aug 2013 at 10:41...

How you doing, lover. My specialty is tea bags that is what sets me apart from your common or garden tea leaf reader. First I take a good look at your tea bags and then I decide what the future holds....it's a gift. You may well like it loose but that's not my bag. I won't do wheezy boards neither like some, I'm a pro you see. A gift like mind should be shown respect.

Tip. If you see starlings nesting in an old oak tree it means a wet winter.

Tosser del Mar said on Wed, 28 Aug 2013 at 16:44...

Tea bags or baggin' you daft old cow.

Maureen said on Thu, 29 Aug 2013 at 19:49...

You like a good strong brew, nothing subtle eh? I'm sure PJ wouldn't mind obliging if that's what rocks ya boat you dirty beggar.

Neil Johan Coggins BA said on Thu, 10 Oct 2013 at 19:17...

I do not understand this thread at all :-( I have a book that was published and it has a terrible typo in it. I think that it certainly qualifies as unfortunate. So was my experience with the publisher!

PJ said on Fri, 11 Oct 2013 at 09:17...

Hiya! Unfortunate also that trolls trashed up the thread talking about tea bags and old mattresses!

Neil Johan Coggins BA said on Sat, 12 Oct 2013 at 20:22...

oh right I was wondering if I might get my book on one of those lists? it would be some consolation after my tribulations.

PJ said on Sun, 13 Oct 2013 at 07:33...

I am not sure that it would help. There are not so many people interested in buying books just for the sake of a suggestive title...Colin Hunt from The Fast Show maybe. It is almost like an art installation...Banksy with his fluffy toys in a meat lorry or Gilbert and George make art from the postcards you find in telephone kiosks. Just a thought..

Neil Johan Coggins BA said on Tue, 15 Oct 2013 at 10:25...

I have 1000s of unsold copies of my magnus opus, Blackballs The Pirate. You may well enjoy reading it, although you'll currently be in a minority of two (the other being my mother) It is true that some of it was written at a bad time in my life. My ex-wife (yes, I am talking about you Charlene) had just left me with nothing but a rent bill and an old toaster! Looking back on the novel I can see a lot of black clouds swirling under the prose (and quite a few uncorrected typos as well) I self-published via Mr Tony Tong's Big Publishing in Cambodia, as the ink is cheap there, so he said! Anyway, the story follows Lord Bertie Blackballs, an aristocrat who takes to the high seas in search of lost treasure (that bit was written before the divorce) all he finds is empty promises, cut-purse harlots in Trinidad, and a chest containing Richard Branson in a cold cream tube (that bit was after I got prescribed some tablets for my nerves) Anyway, Blackballs proceeds to have a lot of internal debates after rubbing Richard's tube in a particular way, and that makes up the "substance" of novel. Subjects covered lower field irrigation, capital punishment in Singapore, tertiary stage alcoholism and cross dressing.

PJ said on Wed, 16 Oct 2013 at 11:26...

<slaps forehead> when will I ever learn.....don't kick the ball Charlie Brown!

Neil Johan Coggins BA said on Thu, 17 Oct 2013 at 18:11...

I am actually seeking encouragement and would like a serious person to take a look - not sneering wannabe Germaine Greer's on blogs. If anyone would like the book, I am selling on a first come first served with an autographed photograph of myself cut to make it into a handy book mark. I will also sell the bookmark for 15p if the genre doesn't suit you.

Miss Mint Julep said on Fri, 18 Oct 2013 at 20:23...

You need help, dear. Try electro convulsive therapy or get yourself sectioned.

PJ said on Thu, 24 Oct 2013 at 12:24...

The idea of you leering at me from a book mark when I am tucked up in bed...no thanks Geordie! I'll probably give the book a miss as well....soz.

Neil Johan Coggins BA said on Mon, 28 Oct 2013 at 21:52...

That is your privilege. I am attending a car boot sale in Abergavenny next week and hope to sell plenty of my bookmarks. I shall be giving readings from my new book of poetry.

PJ said on Wed, 30 Oct 2013 at 17:21...

is that so? before you ask....No! No! No!

Neil Johan Coggins BA said on Thu, 31 Oct 2013 at 18:37...

Puh! I am not accustomed to casting my pearls before swine. Those that wish to hear my words can attend the sale. In the past I have managed to acquire some very nice home ornaments at these gatherings. I can offer Bed and Breakfast for those making the journey from afar.

Maureen said on Fri, 8 Nov 2013 at 18:51...

I would only be interested in visiting if you have a dolly over the toilet roll.

http://www.ebay.co.uk/bhp/doll-toilet-roll-holder

Neil Johan Coggins BA said on Sun, 10 Nov 2013 at 22:17...

My Bed and Breakfast service is modern Welsh style. I know that some people enjoy the retro-kitsch look, I am not among their number.

Maureen said on Tue, 26 Nov 2013 at 22:22...

I've made my wishes clear. If you are unable to accommodate me to my exacting standards then so be it. I have never heard of "modern Welsh" what is that? They eat seaweed for breakfast I heard.

PJ said on Sun, 29 Dec 2013 at 14:32...

Do they? Geordie is a nutcase of course, he is more likely to serve sausage rolls for brekkie.....ahem!!

Neil Johan Coggins BA said on Sun, 26 Apr 2015 at 05:34...

Destination Disaster is my new novel. It is a Janet Puce mystery. For those unfamiliar with the Janet Puce mysteries here is a short synopsis:

Janet is a middle aged housewife from Weston-Super- Mare. She is a member of a pen pal club; through this medium Janet becomes embroiled in many intrigues. The characters she meets are exotic and exciting such as Count Monte-Blanco, Sheik Bah Mitzvah and many others.

At this time no major publishing house has been afforded the lucrative opportunity to publish my mysteries. I will be selling copies (in a ring binder with nice illustration on the 1st page) at Llanfair Caereinion Car Boot Sale (date to be advised shortly)